It’s that time again! Time for the monthly weigh in, and just when I start to think there isn’t anything else for me to learn about my relationship with my body (which recently has been pretty awesome) life decides to throw me a curve ball.
I was so tempted to write about this at the time it happened, but to be honest I was a bit blind sided…not just by the situation itself but the resulting thoughts and feelings it brought out in me.
It took me a little while to bring myself back and I wanted to share it because I’m sure I’m not alone, and to be perfectly honest it made me pretty angry.
It started with one little phone call
So if you haven’t guessed by the title, this story is medically linked…because when else do talk about B.M.I in our day to day lives?
I recently contacted my GP as I wanted to discuss going back on some old medication I had taken a couple of years ago (don’t panic – nothing serious). The reason I had to stop taking this was because I had gained quite a bit of weight and it wasn’t deemed safe to continue taking it (who would argue with that right?) But given that I’ve lost that excess weight (naturally – by making good life decisions) and am generally in good health I thought I would see if I could change back to the medication I had before.
So I had a phone consultation booked (due to covid-19) and I had to have my weight and blood pressure reading. I was very pleased to see that my blood pressure reading was really good, nice and low and well within the healthy range for my age range. I was feeling optimistic and pleased that the changes I had made were showing really good results (alongside me just generally feeling awesome).
In the space of 30 minutes that had all changed…we went through the weight & blood pressure alongside the usual checklist (no family health conditions, not a smoker, active lifestyle) and she even acknowledged that I had made positive lifestyle changes this year, but unfortunately it wasn’t enough.
My B.M.I had read at 35.9 and I had to be under 35 to be able to go back on the medication I wanted. When I asked how much weight that would be my response was “you’ll have to look that up…there are loads of charts out there” and my reassuring message to end the call was “well now you have something to work towards”.
I then proceeded to take a look online (always dangerous, but what else can I do) and not only did I face the news that I was “Obese” but for me to be able to go onto the medication I wanted I would have to loose 13lbs – that’s just over 1 stone.
We’re down the rabbit hole (thanks Alice)
In the space of an hour I went from a body confident badass who felt good about her body to an insecure self-loathing failure…it was brutal! It sent me down a spiral of some pretty negative and unhelpful thoughts including the following:
- I’m clearly not that healthy if the doctors chart says I’m obese
- I’ve failed
- What crazy diet/exercise plan am I going to need to do to loose this weight?
Luckily I didn’t fester there for too long…there have been much bigger things to be worrying about recently…but it’s been lurking at the back of my mind as something I needed to “fix”.
Getting a bit of perspective
It wasn’t until I did my weigh-in and took my monthly photo yesterday that I remembered something…I AM a body confident badass!!
I am definitely the healthiest I have been in my life, both physically and mentally. Yes I know I carry a bit of extra weight which I could shift by working out more (although I already exercise 4-5 days a week) and going on a restrictive diet (you can guess my thoughts on that). But the thing that I decided to focus on as the most important factor was how will these things impact me mentally? and how will it affect my relationship with my body? The answer to both of those questions were – negatively!
Now I’m not about to say that B.M.I is rubbish or to dare say that the doctors were wrong in their decision…they are just doing their job working with my health at their top priority as they totally should be (the lady I spoke to was in fact very lovely). My issue is that it is a system that (yet again) puts us into a “little box” and doesn’t take into consideration the uniqueness or circumstance of the individual. I understand that being overweight increases your chance of developing health conditions, and that we need some way of being able to measure what is a “healthy” or “unhealthy” weight…but this system fails to take in so many other considerations.
I’ve said it before, but I am feeling the best I have felt probably ever in my life…and my body can do some pretty impressive things (including leg press more than my body weight). Whilst my diet isn’t probably the healthiest, it is in no way unhealthy and I try to make sure I find a good balance of what is good for me and then having a little treat now and again.
That’s not to mention the mental health impact that this chart has – the negative associations with the word “obese” is enough to send anyone down a bit of a insecurity spiral. There has to be a balance in measuring a person’s “health” and better advice and guidance for those who do need to review their weight as opposed to “go have a look – it’ll give you something to work towards”. I’m paraphrasing there but that is essentially the tone I took from that interaction.
For me it wont make any difference if I can’t do back onto this medication, so I’m not going to worry about it too much. If in a few months I naturally drop to the “target” weight and I can go back on it…great…but if not that’s also fine. It’s not worth me adding stress and anxiety to my life.
I know my body best…what feels good and what doesn’t…and that’s how I’m going to continue going forward. Keeping my focus on doing things that will benefit my body and mind by making it feel good…not to tick a box on a medical chart.
For those that are interested – I put on 3lbs this month – and I’m totally 100% ok with that!
