Happy New Year everyone (better late than never I guess!). I honestly can’t believe that we are in 2023. Normally at the end of the year I like to take a bit of time to review the year, reflect on my goals and then plan ahead for the new year. I don’t like making new years resolutions, but I do think it is important to have clear goals and actions to work towards each year. The challenge this year however has been finding the time…December seems to have flown by in a blink of an eye…in a very good way I might add as it has been full of fun times. The problem with not making the time to process is that it very often (in my case at least) catches up with you when you least expect it.
To end the year the boyf and I planned a little weekend getaway. A gorgeous little hut right next to a lake with a hot tub…what could be better? It was the perfect weekend to stop, rest and recharge…and in my case also facilitated a little mental breakdown. Not going into lots of detail but essentially it came as a result of me (yet again) not quite achieving all that I had wanted to this year.
For those of you who have been reading these blog posts from the start you will know that when I created the “30 before 30” list there was a theme of “sorting my shit out”. Now don’t get me wrong, I have made some pretty big steps towards these (especially in the past 6 months) but I found myself beating myself up because just over 3 years after making that list I still haven’t sorted it all out and it has really had a knock on effect on my mental health.
It’s been a bit of a recurring theme for me this year – this feeling of not feeling like I’m reaching my full potential and it has led me to some pretty dark and quite frankly miserable places. I’m forever thankful to the support network I have in my life and those special people (you know who you are you lucky devils) who help me through these…but the thoughts just don’t seem to go away and it means I’m not showing up as my best self…for me or for the people around me.
After some very honest thinking and talking about this and I’ve come to a realistation! For the longest time I thought I was holding myself back due to a fear of failure…when in actual fact it is a fear of success! Sound ridiculous right?!? I know…I am right there with you. Why would you be scared of things going well in your life?!? Isn’t that a good thing?!? It is – but for some reason, on some level I don’t feel like I deserve it. The subconscious thoughts are – I don’t deserve to be debt free. I don’t deserve to be fit and healthy (or even athletic). I don’t deserve to live a life without anxiety and constantly doubting myself. If I’m honest, I’m not 100% sure where this comes from, and I will be looking at going into a deep dive on this to find out more. But the fact of the matter is that this mentality is causing me to have some pretty destructive behaviours and is stopping me from living the life of my dreams…and that made me very sad!
I was reminded of the blog posts I wrote 3 years ago and the promises I made to myself back then – now don’t get me wrong I have come a long way in that time. In this year alone I have achieved what I never thought possible and have a lot to be incredibly proud of. I’m not going to bore you with the full list but here are my top 5 achievements from 2022:
- 3 Peaks Challenge – to date the most physically demanding challenge I have ever done. Hiking the 3 biggest mountains in the uk – Ben Nevis, Scafell Pike and Snowdon in a total time of 29 hrs 11 minutes.
- Stuck at my job – there were many times this year where I wanted to jump ship. It’s a pattern of mine I’ve had for a few years, not really settling into somewhere and going when it gets tough. I’m happy to say that by sticking it out there have been a number of opportunities available that I would not have received if I had left. Do I still have days where I want to quit? Yes – but now I just rite these off as bad days and focus on putting in the best work I can.
- Took nearly £5,000 off my debt – the exact figure is £4,859.98 – and this also included paying off the finance for my car so it is now 100% mine. There is still a long way to go but it felt good to get a chunk off that and to bring the total debt under £10,000.
- Learnt to swim – finally! I’m not going to be swimming in the olympics anytime soon but I can now confidently say that I can swim lengths of the pool (without stopping) and can tread water. Something I never thought possible 1 year ago.
- Injury comeback – when I fell and injured my hip and lower back in August I didn’t ever expet the recover to take so long…and the idea of having to stop running throughout all of that was crushing. However – I took the opportunity presented to me to work on other areas such as strength and conditioning, cycling, swimming and stretching/mobility and I am now stronger than ever..with a 5k PB to show for it. It has tested my thoughts and preconceptions about fitness and has shown me that sometimes the best way to improve is to approach it from another angle.
When looking at the positive you also need to look at the negative…but in a constructive way so that you can plan the best way to move forward. After having a pretty honest look at the past year here are the areas that I’m still not 100% happy with:
- Sorting my shit out financially – being in debt – I started last year with £14,210.56 of debt – made up from a range of credit cards, loans and finance agreements that I never held myself accountable for. It’s my fault that I’m in this mess – and it means that I don’t have the financial freedom to do what I want to do – short term or long term. Over the course of 2022 I brought that figure down to £9,350.58 but it’s a lot higher than I would like it to be. Ideally I would like this debt cleared in 12 months time – but I need to be realistic. There is a lot more I can do to maximise the money I’m bringing in, but ultimately it is going to need some sacrifice in the things I enjoy most.
- Sorting my shit out physically – my fitness level/weight loss – I know that over the years I’ve been preaching the “body acceptance” message and it is still something I wholeheartedly live by. I have never felt more confident and comfortable in my skin and I very rarely get body hang ups anymore. The challenge I have is that the active, adventurous lifestyle that I want is very physically demanding…and my body quite simply is not fit enough. I only started weighing myself in the past couple of months but I would guess that overall I have lost about 2 stone this year – which again is nothing to be grumbled at. However, my fitness level is far from where I want it to be so I need to crank up the intensity so that I can push my limits.
- Procrastinating – I have a horrible habit of procrastinating!! Anytime I know that there is something I need to do I put it off as long as possible. It can be anything as small as cleaning out my car to studying for my Level 3 PT course. I find a way to distract myself and then never get anything done. I need to take away the distractions and really be disciplined in my time and workload.
- Sorting my shit out mentally – self limiting beliefs and validation from others – I hold my hands up to say that for the longest time I have been a complete people pleaser! It has it’s benefits as it means that one of the things that makes me happiest is doing things that make the people in my life happy. The problem comes when I neglect my boundaries and work to get the approval of others. I very rarely sit and praise myself for the things I do, or have the hard talks with myself to keep myself accountable…I always rely on others to do that for me. As a result I have lost confidence in myself and my own abilities and leads to some pretty negative self talk when it comes to pushing my limits.
- Not doing enough of what makes me “ME” – I have no one to blame for this other than myself…and I’m going to preface this and say that I’m doing a lot more “me” things now then I have ever done which is incredible. But along the way I seem to have lost some of the things that bring out my creative and expressive side such as creating artwork or playing music. It’s definitely something that I want to bring back into my life more as it really helps my mentality.
So this year is the year I keep these promises to myself. No more going half arsed at it and hoping it will all magically happen. I need to put the work in if I want to get the results that I want. I haven’t gone into specific details here – there is quite a lot there that I really need to knuckle down and focus on. I’ll be writing more specifically about that moving forward and as always will be taking you all on the journey with me.
To help keep me focused and ensure that I am working for my own validation, not the validation of others I have made the decision to take a step back from social media for the time being – I’m not closing it altogether and I will put the odd post out every now and again. The whole purpose of social media platforms is the higher engagement the more successful you are – but in the process it means that I’m not showing up as my 100% authentic self. I’m tweaking content and perspectives to appeal to a wider audience rather than show you an in depth – warts and all – look into this journey. I find it much easier to be open when I am writing so I will continue with the blog posts and I will put posts out periodically with updates. But rather than post about everything it will have more specific purpose and will hopefully be more useful to those who engage with it.
So that’s my new year – it wasn’t what I expected but it was 100% what I needed. It’s time to take action and live the life of my dreams..because I DO DESERVE IT!