So I recently finished reading February’s book – The Chimp Paradox – and I have to say it has given me a bit of a wake-up call.
I come across as (I like to think) a pretty confident person. This is particularly true when it comes to working environments. I’m always very proactive and like to get stuck into new challenges and meeting new people.
But there are times in the past where this hasn’t been the case in my personal life, and to be honest I’m not entirely sure why that is (something to think about more #sortingmyshitoutmentally).
I have often held myself back in many ways and this has often come from a place of fear and anxiety.
Now for those who have read my book review of The Chimp Paradox will know that these feelings primarily sit within my chimp – otherwise known as Alice!
Fuck you, Alice
So as of Monday 2nd Feb I have decided to adopt a new mindset – Fuck you, Alice!
Basically this means that anytime I want to do something, but my mind begins to obsess over the what if’s, I am going to say fuck you, Alice!
Now it’s important to note that it is sometimes good to listen to the internal chatter as there may be perfectly valid reasons as to why you shouldn’t do something, and you need to make sure that you are happy with the decision made.
But the important thing is that once you have listened to the chatter (giving it space to vent) you have to decide if it is a relevant risk or not and what you are going to do about it. Not let the chatter begin spiraling again in your head, holding you back or making you feel uneasy.
Where do I start?
So I decided to this week put this to the test – with the choir I have recently joined AUVG.
Every week people are invited to stand up and sing solo’s, whilst the group practice the chorus and harmonies. It’s all pretty informal and there are no expectations or pressures to take part. Every week I stay in my chair wanting to put myself forward, but thinking the following:
- That’s a scary thing to do!
- I’m worried about what people will think of me.
- I haven’t sung properly in years so it is bound to sound rubbish.
- If I make a mistake I’ll make a tit of myself.
- Maybe next week I’ll have a go.
These are all valid but pretty ridiculous when you start to break them down. None of the life or death reasons why I shouldn’t do it…just Alice swirling down the rabbit hole.
So that week I said FUCK IT…and then shit happened!
I already had it in mind that the next time the opportunity came up – I would go for the solo. So in the rehearsal, Amba (the leader) asked if any of us wanted to try out a solo for My Girl by the Temptations as our normal soloist wasn’t going to be available for the gig on Friday.
Before I could even think about it my hand was up, and I felt a rush of adrenaline as I stepped up with two other lovely ladies to sing.
Suffice to say that I was a bit ropey and nervous in the beginning, but after a couple of goes I was getting into the swing of it – the next thing I know the three of us are confirmed soloists for the concert the very next day – FUCK!
Well after that rehearsal it was fair to say my head was all over the place, and Alice was having a great time, all the normal worries ramped up 1,000%. Essentially I was thinking “What have I done – I can’t do this” but by that point, I was already committed, so no backing out now!
It seemed daft as I used to perform a lot throughout my university degree, and I used to sing all the time when teaching whole classes of children. So why was I so scared? The answer – because I had lost my confidence in my ability. It has been so long since I have performed or even sung properly I didn’t feel confident in my technique.
Despite this, I had made the commitment to go and my Amy brain knew that this was going to be a positive experience for me (or so I hoped). Either way, it was definitely going to be a learning experience.
The big day
So all day Friday I was trying not to think about it too much (even though I was singing my lines in my head over and over) and I tried to myself that whilst I was scared – I was also excited about my first AUVG gig.
I kind of went into autopilot mode when I got home from work, as I didn’t have much time to get ready before leaving – which was a blessing as it meant less time for my brain to overthink.
I get there and the AUVG crew were quick to take my mind off and reassure me and there was an exciting vibe within the group as we were waiting to get started.
Luckily mine wasn’t the first song for the group – so it meant I could get the initial burst of nerves out of my system before my big moment.
So as we come onto the second half it was time…and I could feel the butterflies fluttering away. It’s a feeling I have had in the past before performing, but it’s been so long I felt a bit uneasy. However, what was really reassuring was to have the group there and my lovely co-singers by my side.
Then it happened – and in a flash, it was done – I felt such a buzz. The group was soo supportive, cheering me on and whilst I’m not sure it was the best performance I have ever done, I felt happy that I gave it my best!
My hands were shaking as I made my way to the back of the group for the next number, and I received lots of praise and support from my fellow choir members. It helped that we had two more numbers to sing, so I didn’t have time to analyze the performance as I had to focus on the next song.
Buzzing!
After all of our numbers were done, I came off buzzing! I had forgotten what a positive vibe you get from a performance like that, not only for myself but the group as a whole.
I could not stop chatting on my way home, and the buzz lasted most of the weekend – it was incredible. It reinforced what deep down I knew was going to happen, and it turned out to be a really positive experience.
I’m now more motivated than ever to start improving my confidence and singing technique and will definitely be inclined to volunteer for solos more often at the choir.
So the moral of the story…
Sometimes you have to do something scary in order to push your boundaries! If you never try then you’ll never know!